


If You Don't Cry, You'll Never Heal

by pandorabox82



Series: The Blade and the Stitch [2]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-09-01 21:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16773253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Roxanna finds herself starting to move forward with Henrik after returning from Chicago. With the support of their friends at the hospital, will she finally start to heal from the traumas of her past?





	1. The Only Kind of History That Matters

Roxanna took a deep breath as the plane wheel's hit the tarmac, looking over at Henrik. He was still curled up in his seat, fast asleep, and she didn't really have the heart to wake him yet, since she didn't know how long they'd be taxiing and she was in no hurry to get off the plane and return to her life. Well, that wasn't exactly true, since she was looking forward to seeing her bed once more. But that was a selfish thought, she knew.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but we really should wake him now?"

She looked up into their flight attendant's face, seeing the soft smile that tempered the firm look in her eyes. "If I have to. It's been a long week for us, and I just wanted Henrik to get as much sleep as possible before we start for home." The woman nodded before heading to the next set of seats. Roxanna turned to face Henrik, leaning over and brushing her lips against his cheek. "Darling, we've landed, and Adrienne wants you to wake up now," she murmured, unable to keep a touch of derision out of her voice when she said the woman's name.

Henrik groaned a little as he turned his head back and forth, his eyes slowly blinking open as he tried to focus on her. "Have we landed already?" he asked as he reached out and caressed her cheek. She relished the spontaneous touch as she nodded, pressing his hand against her face as she drew in a deep breath through her nose. "I slept the entire time?"

"You did, but you needed to sleep. It's hard to turn around and fly home in such a short span of time." Roxanna smiled gently as she pulled out her phone and turned it back on, listening to the way it buzzed as all her notifications came rolling in. "I really do not feel like sifting through all these, especially since I know that I've avoided so much whilst I was in Chicago, too."

"You could always clear out all the emails, but for the truly important ones, and start over?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't take care of all the texts and voicemails and everything else I've let slip by me in recent days. It feels so overwhelming," she murmured as she watched the line of people next to their seats start to surge forward, indicating that the plane door was now open. "But we should probably get up and think about joining the crowd and trying to get off the plane. Who's picking us up again?" she asked as she stepped out into the aisle and reached up for their cases. The man behind her helped take them down, and she gave him a small nod as she handed Henrik his bag before shouldering her own.

"I believe that Lofty said he would be there," Henrik replied as he slipped out into the aisle behind her, his hand coming to rest on her shoulder as they waited to follow the line of people out the door. As soon as they were able, Henrik walked next to her and she slipped her hand into the crook of his arm, wanting to hold him close as they went. Having no luggage made getting through customs that much easier, and then they were stepping out into the public part of the airport.

Roxanna's stomach growled loudly when they passed Costa, and Henrik chuckled a little as he pulled them around to get into the queue. She sighed before resting her head on his upper arm as they waited their turn. When they reached the front, Henrik ordered for them both before she could even open her mouth, her usual coffee order slipping off his tongue like he had practiced it well. Sighing a little, she let him pay before they moved down to the end of the counter, waiting for their coffee. "Would you hate me terribly if I said that I want to go back to Chicago? I thought that the moment I stepped off the plane that I would feel different. But being here, it's, well, what if they look at me askance?"

"Then let them look at you. The only thing that matters is that you came back to try and pick up the pieces of the shambles…"

Henrik trailed off, and she looked up at him questioningly, only to follow his line of sight to see Sacha ambling over to them, a goofy grin on his face. Roxanna felt herself relax a little as she took a small step away from the safety of Henrik's presence towards the other man. Glancing back at him, she couldn't help but see the small flicker of disappointment in his eyes before the more easy going look on his face returned. Shaking her head a little, Roxanna turned back and kissed his cheek softly before making her way to Sacha and allowing herself to be wrapped in one of his signature hugs. "I've missed you," she whispered before burying her nose into his chest, trying vainly to stop the tears that were coming to the forefront.

"You didn't have to run away to let us know that you were drowning. There are some many people here who would rescue you." His large hand rubbed up and down her back for a few seconds before he let her go. "But I am getting the Hanssen glower, so I think that I should probably let you go now."

Roxanna chuckled as she stepped away from him, giving him a small nod. "He's a bit protective of me, since I called him to my side. This isn't the first time he's taken care of me, but it means the most. God, everyone must think I am such an idiot," she said as she held out her hand, closing her fingers around the warm paper cup as the heat from Henrik's body surrounded her.

"No one thinks that, Rox. We all know that you've fought a hard battle these last seven months, and with Gaskell slinking off into the night, well, we're just glad that you're still here." Sacha stepped forward once more and pressed his lips against her forehead in a tender, brotherly, kiss.

"Thank you, Sacha," she replied as she slipped her arm around Henrik's waist and they followed after him out to his car. "I'll sit back here with the bags."

"No, let me put them in the boot so that you two can sit together," Sacha insisted as he took hold of the strap on her bag. She knew that she couldn't argue with him, not when it meant that she could rest her head on Henrik's chest the entire drive. "So, where am I dropping you both?"

She was going to answer her place when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Pulling it out, she noticed a text from Serena, informing her that she would be dropping by later that afternoon to chat. As she was processing that message, she noticed two more texts roll in, from Dom and Lofty. Hurriedly, she looked up at Sacha before glancing to Henrik and giving him a tight nod. "We're going to Henrik's." He gave her a tender smile as he opened the back door, allowing her to slide in before he folded his limbs and maneuvered himself onto the seat.

"I think I remember where that is, so if you both want to sit back and relax, I'll have you there soon." Henrik nodded a little before reaching out and resting his hand on her knee, squeezing it gently as she scooted closer to him, letting her head thump down on his shoulder as she yawned tiredly. At some point, she must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, Henrik was gently shaking her knee, waking her.

She stretched as best she could before exiting the vehicle and traipsing after the men. Sacha carried her bag inside and set it on the floor before pulling her into another warm hug. "Sacha, I'm home, I promise I won't leave."

"Sometimes you just have to hold a person back together. I know what it's like to feel like you're falling apart at the seams, and no one sees it. I'm here for you, if you ever need to talk." She drew in a shuddering breath as she nodded against his chest, feeling a deep kinship to him in that moment.

"I'll keep that in mind, as I can always use a good friend to tell me when I'm being completely ridiculous," she murmured as she stepped away from him and into the safety of Henrik's arm around her waist.

"It's not ridiculous to fight the darkness and find yourself exhausted from the effort of putting on the mask of familiarity. Take care, both of you." They nodded in tandem, watching Sacha head out the door. It wasn't until they both heard the vehicle start that they relaxed a little, and Roxanna turned to look at Henrik.

"Would you mind making me a cup of tea? I'm going to curl up on your sofa and try to find some peace." He nodded and she gave him a weary smile as she kissed his cheek and patted his chest. "I wish I could be more on for you right now."

"I'll take you as you are, Roxanna."

Those were the words she needed to hear in that moment, and she nodded before turning on her heel and disappearing into the living room. Taking a seat on the sofa, she toed off her shoes and then took a seat on the sofa. A wide yawn split her lips, and Roxanna stretched out on the sofa, letting her head come to rest on the arm of it as her eyes closed heavily. Within minutes, she was giving in to sleep once more, and before she had fully passed out, Roxanna felt a warm blanket cover her as Henrik caressed her shoulder lovingly, a soft hum on his lips.


	2. Trying To Cauterise the Chancres On My Soul

Roxanna found herself floundering a little at work. Everyone was being so overly nice that she found herself close to snapping at every little thing that reminded her that her colleagues were walking on egg shells around her. Henrik had noticed her agitation, and had tried to ease things for her. It was sweet, but she also found it a little cloying. Which she knew was just a result of her ennui, and he was only trying to be kind to her.

Shaking her head a little, she ran her fingers through her hair and pushed away from her desk, more than ready to get out of the office and see if Serena was ready to head out. Sacha was finishing up his rounds when she ducked out of the office, and he gave her a warm smile and a wave before turning his attention to his patient once more. She waved back before making her way over to the lifts, patting Lofty on the shoulder as she went past him.

The ride down allowed her to gather her thoughts, and she pulled out her phone and tapped out a quick message to Henrik, reminding him that she was spending the evening with Serena and baby Gwen. Smiling a little, she slipped her phone back into her coat pocket before stepping off the lift and heading over to Serena's office. She knocked softly on the door before entering, giving a small nod to Meena as she closed the door, seeing the young doctor blush a little.

"Ah, you're ready right on time. I do so love punctuality in my friends." Serena gave her a small smirk as she tapped away at her keyboard. "I just have to finish this email up to Bernie, and then we can head out."

Roxanna nodded as she took a seat on the edge of a chair next to the desk. "And you're certain that Jason and Greta are all right with me being around Gwen?"

Serena nodded offhandedly, the smirk easing into a smile as her fingers flew. "Yes, I made certain to ask if I could bring a new person into Gwen's life. When I mentioned that you're attached to Henrik, Jason became a lot more open to the idea. My nephew has a very soft spot for your Henrik."

"He's not my anything," she protested as she blushed, watching Serena shut down her computer before pulling on her coat and shouldering her bag. "We're just good friends."

"Bernie and I started as good friends, too. Don't shy away…"

"I'm not. I just don't think it's appropriate for me to have feelings for another man when I've just lost my husband only six months ago. We had twenty eight years together, how can I just sweep that under the rug and, and, jump into something with Henrik?"

She hadn't meant to tear up, but those damnable tears had started to prickle her eyes as they walked out the door into the car park. Serena stopped them by her car, her hand closing around her elbow as she looked up into Roxanna's face. "Your heart was never meant to live in the past, Roxanna. Trust me on that." Serena's eyes were luminous, and she nodded as she pursed her lips together. "It's the hardest lesson in life to learn, I know. But if you can find happiness in the darkness, grab it with both hands. And you have to know this, too. It is so good to cry. If you don't cry, you'll never heal."

Roxanna drew in a deep breath as she dipped her chin slightly, allowing a few tears to slip down her cheeks before swiping them away with her sleeve. "I just feel like I've cried so much over the last two weeks."

"I cried for two months straight after I lost Elinor." Serena looked around the car park hurriedly before reaching out and taking hold of Roxanna's hand, squeezing tightly. "And here we are, almost two years later, and that grief is still so raw that the chancres of my soul weep with pain. I've tried to cauterize them, but they keep returning when I least expect it."

"That's good to know?" she said as Serena unlocked her car and climbed behind the wheel. Roxanna got into the passenger side of the vehicle, fastening her belt as Serena started the car and pulled out of her spot. "Really, I need to know that, but it's so decidedly odd to be on this side of grief. I know the pat words to tell my patients' families, that I hope will assuage their grief, but looking at it now? It all seems so trite. And even this is a grief deferred. I pushed those emotions down as I threw myself into taking care of Ollie and then John's project. When everything came crashing down, I realized that my foundation was a little less than stable."

"Welcome to the grief club, I had that very same experience."

Roxanna let out a wry laugh as she nodded. "I'm glad that I'm not alone in this, then, even though I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone." A jagged silence fell over the car as Serena drove to her place, and Roxanna began to feel like maybe this hadn't been the smartest idea she'd ever had. By the time Serena pulled into her garage, her eyes were swimming with unshed tears, and it took a few deep breaths for Roxanna to pull herself together.

Finally feeling fit enough to get out of the vehicle, Roxanna opened her door and followed Serena into the house. The moment she was in the kitchen, the other woman was shoving a warm cup of tea into her hands before guiding her into the living room. "Take a seat, I'll just pop up and tell Jason that we're here and he and Greta can go out on their date."

She nodded absently, sipping at the too hot tea as she sank onto the sofa, her shoulders hunching a little as she took stock of how her day had gone. Her phone buzzed, and she pulled it out of her pocket to see that Henrik had answered her. _Have fun, darling, and when you're ready to head home, give me a ring. I noticed that you left your car in your spot. H_

A silly smile curved her lips upwards, and a small noise behind her caught her attention before she could school her features into something more neutral. "I take it that Henrik got ahold of you?" Serena said, the teasing lilt in her voice eliciting a slight sigh from Roxanna as she nodded. "That reaction alone tells me all I need to know."

"I have no idea what you mean, Serena," she tried to say breezily as the woman came around with Gwen in her arms. "She's so tiny."  
"Have you not been around babies, then?" Serena asked as she took a seat next to her, and Roxanna shook her head a little, feeling her shoulders pull up around her ears as she focused on the mug of tea in her hands. "They're all wee little things like this until one day, you look up and they're all grown. I see hints of Elinor in her face, and I cling to that, because they could disappear at any moment."

Roxanna nodded as she set aside the mug before leaning over and taking a good look at the baby's face. There was something so precious about it, and she wondered if Serena would allow her to hold Gwen, if asked. "All right, then, Aunty Serena, I'm off to pick Gwen up. Make certain you ring us if Gwen gives you even a spot of trouble."

"She's no trouble, Jason, as well you know. Have a good time, and don't worry about coming back to the house, I'll be fine keeping her overnight."

The young man nodded, giving her a sidelong look before smiling a little and then exiting the room. It wasn't until they both heard the door close that Serena turned to look at her, a warm smile on her lips. "Here, hold her. Jason gets a little fussy when I just hand Gwen off willy-nilly, but it's good for her to be held by many hands."

Roxanna nodded as Serena passed Gwen to her. There was a solid weight to the baby, even though she looked so tiny, and Roxanna drew in a deep breath as she smiled down into the baby's face. A wave of longing swept over her, from a place she hadn't ever stopped to acknowledge, and to her horror, she burst into tears as she snuggled Gwen closer to her chest. "David and I, we never budgeted in time to have a baby. And now that I'm of a certain age…" she managed to get out before she felt Serena's hand close around her shoulder, her thumb rubbing back and forth in an effort to soothe her.

"Edward and I had grand plans to have a passel of children. There were a number of false starts, and then Elinor came along, so perfect and pink, and all mine. Never managed to bring the stork round to my house after that, but at least I had that one opportunity."

"I want this, but I can't have this," she whispered as she ran her finger down Gwen's nose. "I dreamt of holding a baby, our baby, but it's not enough to dream, is it? We need to bring them to life in the real world. If I had been brave enough, back then –"

She broke off suddenly, realizing what she had been about to reveal to a virtual stranger. "Back in Boston?"

Roxanna glanced over at Serena, wrinkling her brow a little as she openly stared at her. "How did you know about Boston?"

"I don't know much, but Henrik and I have had some good talks over the years, and I always knew that there was a person who got away. When you came back into his life, the pieces started falling into place, though it wasn't until you fled to Chicago that it became clear." Serena's hand stilled, squeezing gently as she smiled. "I know that you feel the time isn't right, but I'll be here, for both of you, when you do decide to move on together. It's always good to have a friend in your corner." Roxanna smiled in return as she nodded, knowing that this was exactly what she needed in her life right now.


	3. Our Time Keeps Rolling By

Roxanna had been home for a month, and each day had gotten a fraction easier to deal with as she went through her routine at work. Henrik frequently stopped by to see how she was doing, and she had found herself heading to the chapel more frequently, trying to get back in closer contact with her faith. Henrik, to her surprise, had started to join her on occasion, and she had found his steady quietude a balm to her battered soul.

That was where he found her, deep in meditation, and the moment she looked up into his face as he dropped his hand down on her shoulder, Roxanna knew that he didn't have good news for her. "Is it time to head home already?" she asked, trying to bring some levity to the air.

"It is, yes. But before we go, there's something I need to discuss with you." He took a seat next to her and then reached out, taking hold of her hand and holding it loosely as he took a deep breath. "There's a conference in Berlin, focusing on general surgery."

"I remember Sacha and Dom talking about that last week. Sacha said that he wanted to go, but he hadn't prepared anything to present. Isn't it next week?"

Henrik nodded as his grip on her hand tightened. "It is. And whilst I am not going to be presenting, I am going to be in attendance. Abigail has had something come up, and she can no longer attend, so she would like me to do so in her stead. I already asked if I could bring along a guest, but there isn't room in the budget for that, unfortunately."

"And how long will you be gone?" she asked, feeling like she was missing him already, even though he was right beside her.

"I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, and I'll be gone for ten days."

"Oh," she said quietly, thinking about their supper plans for that weekend, which were now out the window. "I guess we'll just have to postpone our plans until you get back, then," she murmured, looking down at their hands.

"Unfortunately, especially since I have to prepare for it tonight and tomorrow. I am so sorry, Roxanna." She nodded and lifted his hand to her lips, pressing a quick kiss to his skin before glancing up at him, seeing the love and sadness mixed in his eyes. "Though I wouldn't mind spending time with you right now. I have a few hours before I should get home and start packing."

"I'd love that, actually. Perhaps we could go for a walk?"

He nodded and helped her to her feet. "I was hoping you'd say something like that," he replied as he handed her her coat and purse. "I had to convince Lofty that I wasn't absconding with your things."

She giggled as she let him help her into her coat before she slung her purse over her shoulder, letting him take hold of her hand as he led them out into the cool October air.

And that was the moment she had held onto for the next four days, trying to keep in mind the fact that he would be extremely busy with the conference, going to different panels, and representing the hospital as best she could. Still, Roxanna felt like she was floundering a bit, coming to realise just how much she was depending upon his steady, calm, influence in her life. Pulling out her phone, she turned it to face her, so that she could watch the screen light up, revealing Henrik's smiling face.

"You really do have it bad, Ms MacMillan."

Gasping a little, she whirled around on her chair to see Dom standing close to her desk, a knowing smirk on his lips. "You need to wear louder shoes," she muttered, listening to him laugh. "What?"

"Serena said the same thing to Bernie, once upon a time. It's just a little funny hearing your friend's words come from another set of lips." She nodded quietly, wondering why he had invaded her space. "Anyway, Lofty is getting changed right now, and I was tasked with dragging you along with us."

"Oh?" she asked, reclining in her chair and folding her hands over her stomach as she regarded him.

"Yes. We've been tasked by a certain Scandiman to make certain that you're not shutting yourself away in this office you share, and tonight is the night to go with us to Albies!" He reached out and touched her shoulder gently. "You are not allowed to say no to us, either, because he's going to call and make certain you're with us."

"Why does that not surprise me?" she asked drolly as she pushed away from her desk and walked over to the coat hook, grabbing her coat and slipping into it before following Dom out into the hall. Lofty was just coming up to them, a wide smile on his lips. "I suppose that this is the point where I let you kidnap me for the evening."

"Well, I wouldn't put it that way," he replied as he linked arms with her, taking the lead as they made their way down the stairs and out into the brisk night air. She shivered a little at the feel of it, and welcomed Dom coming up on her other side, cocooning her between them as they made the short journey over to the pub. "I've got the first round, if you want to find a table for us. Any particular appetizers you'd like?"

"Anything with cheese," she replied as Dom started to tug her over towards a secluded table that was blessedly empty. "I think we'll get there, Dom."

"I know, but I've also been sniped before." She laughed a little as she nodded, taking the seat in the corner so that she could curl up against something as they ate and drank. "Tonight is on us, by the way. After everything that's happened in the last few months, we just want to treat you."

She blushed a little as she looked down at the table. "I don't want to be a charity case, Dom."

"This isn't charity, I know that you'll have us over for supper or drinks, and it will all work out in the end." He reached across the table and grabbed hold of her hand. "Seriously, when you two get married, I'm already claiming dibs on being the best man."

"I think you might have to fight Sacha for that honour," she replied as Lofty returned with three glasses of wine. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. They'll bring around the cheese plate in a few minutes, and by then, we should have our order ready to put in, yeah?" They nodded. "Perfect. Now, why would Dom and Sacha fight?" he asked as he took a seat next to Dom, his smile still warm and infectious.

"Over who gets to be best man in these two crazy kids' wedding. I think it should be me, after all that we've gone through together."

"Oh, no, it's going to be Serena, end of." Dom gave his fiancé a shocked look as he shook his head in disbelief. "Why not? Serena's probably the closest to him here, after Roxanna. I think she'd be a perfect best man." He took a sip of wine before pulling out his phone. "Now, we all need to scrunch in so that I can send a selfie off to Mister Hanssen." Roxanna tightened her grip on the stem of her wine glass as she leaned over the table to get closer to Dom, while Lofty leaned against his chest as he held his phone out at arm's length. They all grinned and she hoped that Henrik would send her a copy of that picture in the future, since she felt like it was a good one.

"And yet, in the end, I think we all know that if our relationship turns from friends to partners, our wedding will be small. Neither of us will want the attention that a huge affair would bring. I had that once already, and I'm ready for just a few witnesses in a garden with flowers in my hair."

"I never took you for being the hippy dippy type, Roxanna," Dom said as they settled back into their seats. "Though I suppose that does fit you, in an odd way. Let me guess, pale pink flowing dress, a crown of daisies on your head, either no shoes or some crazy sort of platform wedge on your feet, and a bouquet of wildflowers?"

It surprised her how close he got to her ideal sort of outfit for her imaginary wedding to Henrik, and she dipped her chin against her chest as she shrugged a little. "Perhaps."

"Perhaps, nothing! I think I am damn close to whatever is in your brain, and don't think I'll forget that in a few months when you finally do get around to hitching your wagon to his star." Dom winked broadly at her before taking a large sip of wine.

"I'll keep that in mind," she replied as she gave another glance over the menu, finally deciding on what she wanted. "Now, I do need to hear all about why you call Henrik by that nickname. And if you've ever said it in his hearing."

Dom almost choked on his mouthful of wine as Lofty chuckled. "He has been caught out, and he almost didn't live to tell the tale. But he's always been a bit of an envelope pusher." Lofty leaned over and kissed Dom's cheek softly before turning his attention back to Roxanna. "What was he like in college? Was he always as serious?"

Roxanna curled into the corner of their booth as she twirled her wine around in her glass. "We were all younger and freer, back then. There seemed to be so many possibilities ahead of us, and then life got in the way. Though I can tell you that Henrik was a little less stodgy." She let out a soft sigh. "It seems like our time keeps rolling by so quickly that I'll never be able to catch up on what I've lost out on. Never take this time in your lives for granted," she murmured before taking another sip of wine, determined to not let the evening turn maudlin, not when she was with friends.


	4. Shining Back His Light a Little

"Let me in, please. It's raining cats and dogs out here, and all I want to do is wrap my hands around a warm cup of tea," a muffled voice called through her front door.

Roxanna smiled as she stood up from her sofa, jogging over to the door of her house and tearing it open as she looked up into Henrik's beleaguered face. "You should have called! I would have picked you up from the airport."

"I didn't want to trouble you, it was kind enough for you to offer your house for the evening, since you're closer to the airport." He took off his coat and hung it on the tree next to the door before setting his bag on the floor. "Now, about that tea."

She smiled a little wider as she nodded, slipping her hand into the crook of his elbow as she guided him into the kitchen. "Take a seat, and I'll make us a fresh pot. How was the conference?"

Roxanna turned the kettle on as she rummaged around in her cabinet, searching for the particular blend that she knew he liked. She heard Henrik sink down onto one of the kitchen chairs, a small groan of displeasure slipping from his mouth before he started to speak. "It was long, if I'm honest with you. I know now why Abigail wanted to duck out of it, since there wasn't anything groundbreaking presented. And a lot of doctors couldn't help but come up to me, once they knew I was representing Holby, and ask about the John situation. It seems that we are going to be dealing with the fallout from that fiasco for months, if not years, to come."

"He brought it on himself, Henrik. I'm just so glad that he didn't hurt more people in his quest to become God." She pulled out the box of tea and turned, tossing it onto the table before opening the cupboard and taking out matching mugs for them. "I just miss the person he used to be, back in Boston."

"I wonder if that person even existed," Henrik murmured as he dropped a teabag into each mug. "And you really need to get the loose leaf tea, darling."

"I like the convenience, Henrik." She rolled her eyes a little as the kettle began to whistle. It didn't take her long to fill the mugs, and then she took a seat next to him, wrapping her hands around the mug as she let some of the warmth bleed into her. "If I had someone to help me, it might be different, but I've been taking care of myself for so long that it's also become habit."

Roxanna half expected her thoughts to turn sad as she remembered switching to the tea bags when David had really started to show signs of dementia, as it had been safer for him, and easier for her. Henrik seemed to pick up on her mood, as he reached over and rested his hand on her forearm, giving her a tender smile. Taking a deep breath, Roxanna nodded and smiled back, finding a spark of happiness in her breast that hadn't been there in ages. "It's all right, truly. I was just trying to tease you."

"Tease me? You?" she asked, letting the light of his levity fill her soul and trying to shine it back a little. He nodded and looked at the table, as if he didn't like being caught out in that manner, and she sighed as she rested her head on his shoulder, letting a comfortable silence fall over them as the tea steeped. "I missed you," she said offhandedly as she pulled the tea bag out of her mug and set it on the saucer, watching as he followed suit.

"I missed you, too. Though I was quite pleased to see the picture that Lofty sent to me."

Roxanna blushed a little as she ducked her chin into her chest. "You know, I didn't even get to see that picture. I completely forgot to ask for Lofty to forward it to me." Henrik reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, moving his thumb across the screen before tilting it towards her. She smiled at the three of them, captured in a happy moment of time, and then glanced up at Henrik, seeing his own smile spreading across his face. "Would you send that to me? I don't have many happy pictures as of late, and I could do with the reminder."

He nodded, his fingers moving over the screen easily, and then her phone buzzed against her leg. "It is a beautiful picture of you," he whispered in her ear, and she nodded before picking up her mug and sipping at the tea. "Have you eaten today?"

"I had a sandwich for lunch, but I've been so busy with consults and surgeries that it slipped my brain. Why?"

"I was thinking that we could order in? The food on the plane was less than agreeable." She nodded and went to get up, only to feel his hand cover hers, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Do you trust me?"

"With my life," she replied instantly, knowing that it was the truth. His smile softened into something a little more intimate, and she returned the expression before looking down at the table once more, listening as he ordered for them from her favourite Indian place. It was spooky how well he knew her, right down to the spiciness of the dish, and it wasn't until he rattled off the numbers of his card that she realized he was paying for it, too. "I can cover food for us, you know."

"Yes, I do know that. However, you are opening your home to me this evening, and this is just a small way that I can repay you for that kindness." He set his phone on the table and picked up his mug, taking a long drink before sighing with pleasure. "I don't think I've been here since before David died. How are you finding it without his presence filling the rooms?"

"You really don't pull any punches at times," she murmured as she set aside her tea and pulled a leg up to her chest, resting her chin on her knee as she tried to gather her thoughts. "There are times when I expect to hear his voice waking me up in the morning. Or to hear him singing in the shower. I haven't washed his pillowcase, to keep his scent in my brain. It's started to fade recently, but that doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would?"

"You're starting to heal from the trauma, which is a good thing, since your heart can only be bruised for so long before it starts to callous over. Your tenderness is one of your best assets, Roxanna." She looked up into his face, seeing the pain in his eyes, and nodded a little, pursing her lips together to keep from crying. "I always loved your free-spirited nature in Boston, you always knew how to live. But when I grew to know the person you became, I realized that your tenderness and warmth were a direct result of that free spirit. And you still have faith, after everything you've been through."

"Faith has been a comfort to me, always. I wish I could be as rational as you are. But there are just times where I feel so connected to the universe and all the mysteries it contains that I can't help but feel that there's more out there than what we can see and touch. I know, it's ridiculous, but…"

"That's who you are," he said as he reached out and cupped her face. Roxanna nuzzled her face against his hand, letting her eyes flutter closed as he leaned in close, brushing his lips against hers in a yearning kiss. It felt like the culmination of decades of history between them, and she sighed a little as she leaned in closer, pressing her lips tighter against his as her arm curled around his shoulders, holding him in place. Finally, though, she felt him pull his lips away from hers a little, and she could almost swear that she felt him murmuring something beneath his breath.

Roxanna bit her lower lip as she sat back in her chair, trying to look cool and collected, but feeling like she was failing miserably. "Well, if that doesn't make a woman feel appreciated, I don't know what will," she said lowly, a part of her wishing that they could kiss once more. Which was ridiculous, since they hadn't even been on a proper date yet, and there was an order to such things, but still, the desire to drown herself in his lips was there lurking in the depths of her heart.

"I shouldn't have been so forward," he started, but she reached up and pressed her fingers against his lips to stop any further words from spilling out, smiling when she felt his lips kiss those fingers sweetly.

"It's all right to be a little forward. We both harbor deeper feelings than mere friendship, even if I can't fully act on them right now. And before our food comes, I am going to be the forward one." Removing her fingers, she leaned in again and gave him a soft kiss, trying to fill it with all the longing that was in her soul that she couldn't yet bring to light.


	5. You Almost Always Lose Yourself When You Let Yourself Go

Roxanna twisted one of Henrik's handkerchiefs between her fingers as she waited for her appointment to start. It seemed strange to her that she had waited this long before taking the next step in her journey through grief, but then, Henrik had been the one to push her to see a therapist in the end. He had insisted that his own work with his therapist had done wonders for his mental health, and that if she truly wanted to start moving forward, she might consider seeing someone herself.

Which had led her to asking Serena if she had any recommendations on who to speak to, knowing that she would have an easier time discussing things with a woman, preferably one not connected to their hospital. Serena had been glad to pass along the name of her own therapist, and Roxanna had booked an appointment straight away. And now, she was sitting in Lydia Root's waiting room, wondering if she had made the right decision after all.

"Roxanna?"

Her head shot up at the sound of her name, and she gave a shaky smile to the short, soft, woman standing in the doorway. Nodding to the man who passed her by, she got to her feet and approached the therapist, trying to calm her racing heart. "Hi," she said quietly as Lydia led her inside, her small hand resting on the middle of her back as she closed the door behind them.

"I know that you spoke to my receptionist earlier this week, but I just want to say that I am so very glad that you've chosen to reach out and get help. I'm Lydia Root," she said as she reached her hand out towards Roxanna. She took it, pleased by the firm grasp there. "You don't need to be afraid of me, or of this step you've taken. I know, it might seem like you've failed in some way, but you haven't. Each of us has a burden that is too large to carry, and we have to find someone safe to talk about that with. I might not be the right fit for you, and that's okay, but I will certainly help you to find someone that will be that right fit, should that happen."

A deep feeling of relief welled up in Roxanna's chest as she nodded a little, taking a seat in the chair Lydia gestured towards. "That does help set me at ease, thank you," she murmured as she smoothed her skirt down her thighs. "I've just found myself floundering in the face of my grief, and Henrik thought it was high time that I talk to someone about that."

"And is Henrik your partner?" Lydia asked as she picked up a fresh notepad, her pen poised to take notes.

She shook her head a little, looking down into her lap. "He's the closest thing I have to a best friend. We were in school together in Boston, and at the time, I thought we might end up together. But there were extenuating circumstances, and we parted ways. My husband died almost eight months ago now."

"How did he die?"

"He flatlined on the operating table as I tried to keep a colleague from bleeding out." Unbidden, thoughts of that fateful day began to flash in her mind, and she began to twist the handkerchief once more, trying to control her reactions to the memories. "I'm assuming you heard about the shooting that occurred at Holby City Hospital?" Lydia nodded her head. "I was supposed to die that day. Fredrik had my name on his list, and if it weren't for my colleague stepping between me and his gun, I wouldn't be here right now."

Lydia nodded as she made a few notes on the paper. "If I remember correctly, Fredrik was killed by the police when he tried to shoot the CEO of the hospital, who happened to be his father." Roxanna nodded. "And is that Henrik the same Henrik who is your friend?"

"Nothing gets past you, does it?" she said with a slight scoff. Lydia gave her a wry smile before shaking her head. "Or perhaps you did a little digging before I came?"

"Your name sounded familiar, I must be honest, so I did a cursory search on it before our appointment, yes. But I didn't go in depth to see what trauma had brought you to me. Will that be a deal breaker for our professional relationship?"

Roxanna took a moment to think about it, finding that she wasn't bothered by the curiosity the therapist displayed. "I don't believe so, actually. I really feel at ease with you." Lydia smiled as she dipped her head a little. "Everything is so tangled up, and I feel…?"

"Yes?"

She took a deep breath as she wrapped Henrik's handkerchief around her knuckles on her left hand. "I feel like I've let go of myself, and in the process of doing that, I've lost myself. Who I want to be is still there, deep inside my heart, but it's like I'm wandering around in an unlit labyrinth without any clue as to where I'm heading. I can hear two voices in my head, and I'm not certain whose I should follow."

"Who are the voices?"

"One is my David, and I know that I'm holding on to a past that doesn't include me any longer when I do listen to him. The other is Henrik, and he sings me a song without words at times, beckoning me into a future that seems so bright. But there are times when I feel like I'm betraying David's memory, by wanting to move forward with Henrik. I love them both, and I fear that it's tearing my heart in two. And that doesn't even begin to take into consideration the hell that John has put us through for the last seven months, too."

Without realizing it, she had started to cry, and she brought the handkerchief to her eyes, dabbing at the tears as she breathed in Henrik's scent. "I'm glad that you're crying, Roxanna." She glanced over at Lydia, giving her a questioning look. "I tell all my patients who have been through traumas large and small that if you don't cry, you'll never heal. It's cliché, I know, but there is a truth to the cliché."

Roxanna nodded. "I just feel like I've been crying for too long."

"There are times when you'll feel that way. Just try to be gentle with yourself, since this is also a journey to wellness, you won't arrive in a day." She gave Roxanna a small smile before jotting down something on her notepad. "I would offer you some tissues, but it seems like you've come prepared."

"I actually borrowed this from Henrik, he figured I might need it whilst I was here. He cries, but never around me. Which I understand, but I wish that he would be a little more open with me. There's just so much I want to share with him, and it makes my heart hurt a little at times to know that he keeps everything so close to the vest. I guess that's just the difference in our private lives – he's the only one I want to share my heart with, he feels like he can't share that with me."

Lydia sat back in her chair, regarding her closely. "Are you certain about that? Or might he be reticent to share his feelings with you given that this sounds like it's a rather new development in your friendship?"

Roxanna blushed a little at the succinct way Lydia had read the situation, knowing that she was most likely correct. This just seemed to further cement that Lydia was the therapist for her, since she was able to call Roxanna out without making her feel like an idiot for having the thoughts she did. "I think he's been in love with me for years, so why wouldn't he want to share everything with me?"

"If I had to hazard a guess, I would assume that you are the one who has been holding back from him for a long time, since you didn't want to be disloyal to your husband, even following his tragic death. There's a lot of baggage that you've been weighted down by, and while you think that you want to give that to him, there are layers to your privacy, and what you're thinking about sharing with him just scratches the surface of what you're drowning beneath."

"Perhaps," she murmured as she tried to curl up into as small a ball as possible in the chair. Taking a deep breath, she held the handkerchief to her cheek as she rubbed her lips together, trying to relax. "Do you think that we could talk about something a little less fraught though, for the rest of our session?"

"We can do whatever you'd like. This is for your benefit, after all. Just know that I am merely putting a pin in this line of inquiry, and we will come back to it at a later time, even if it doesn't suit where you are emotionally at the moment. All right?"

"I suppose that it will have to be, if you're going to provide me with therapy."

Lydia's smile widened a little as she nodded. "There is that. So, in the rest of our time today, what would you like to talk about?" she asked as she settled back in her chair.

"Guilt? Because I do feel so guilty over the fact that I survived what my husband did not. What Oliver Valentine will forever be scarred by. Why am I still here, still whole, when they cannot say the same?"

"That is a very good place to start," Lydia said quietly as cocked her head to one side, her look still so sweet, so full of concern. And Roxanna took a deep breath as she nodded, finally ready to start letting go of some of this baggage that had been weighing her down for too many months.


	6. I Keep a Watch On Time

It had been a long week at work, and not for the first time, Roxanna found herself keeping a watch on time, hoping that Henrik would be joining her in the office soon. Time had started to telescope lately around him, and it bothered her a little more than she would care to admit. Everything about her day seemed to take forever, but when she was with him, time tripped lightly away from her until their time was done, leaving her wanting more.

"Wool gathering, Roxanna?"

She shook her head to clear her thoughts before giving him a large smile. "No, just thinking about patients that I took care of today. How are things with you?"

"It was a long surgery that I just got out of, but with good results. Serena's invited us out for drinks, if you feel up for it? I know that you might not want to go, but…"

"I would love to spend more time with you, Henrik. Will Dom and Lofty be accompanying us?" she asked as he took a seat behind his desk, straightening some stray papers before opening his laptop and starting to tap away on the keyboard.

"I don't believe so. Mister Chiltern mentioned that he had some plans for Dominic that did not include getting drunk with the parents."

She tried to swallow the giggle that sprang to her lips, but it escaped before she could control her reaction, and she was pleased to see that he was smirking, too. "Oh, so we're the parents of the ward now?" she shot back as she leaned back in her chair a little. She had never thought about it, but she supposed that it was true, in a weird way. The children she'd never been blessed with were surrounding her in a chosen family that almost filled the gap.

"It's better to be ward father than the Scandiman." Another giggle slipped out, and he tried to glower at her, only to have his lips twitch up in a quick smile. "I take it that is not the first time you've heard that particular nickname?"

"Dom may have let it slip the night he took the selfie," she replied guiltily, ducking her chin into her chest. "I think it's sort of adorable, honestly. Though I probably will never call you that, since I know that it would bother you too much."

"Thank you for that kindness," he replied as he looked at her over his laptop. "Now, we only have about fifteen minutes before we're supposed to meet up with Serena and Sacha. I would finish up whatever you need to absolutely have finished by end of play."

She nodded before bending back over her work, hurriedly signing off on a few reports that needed her attention before sending off an email to St James, confirming her presence there the following week for a particularly tricky neuro case. "I can't believe that I'll be at a different hospital for a few days. I mean, I'm glad to offer my services where they're needed, but I know where I fit here at Holby," she said as she shut down her computer and pushed away from her desk, moving over to her coat on the hook.

"I was reading about that case, and I feel that you will do your best to ensure the young woman has a good outcome." She glanced over to see him smiling at her as he stood up, coming over to her side and helping her into her coat. "So I suppose that we will have to have good luck drinks tonight, since you have the weekend off."

"That sounds lovely," she replied as she hooked her arm in his, matching his long pace as they made their way over to the lifts. "I am trusting you to make certain that no one comes in here and makes a horrible mess of my desk. You know that I like to keep some semblance of order there."

"I will make certain that nothing is out of place upon your return. But if you do worry, you can always stop by after your shift and check on things." His hand covered hers, squeezing gently as the doors slid open and they got in. Roxanna sighed a little as she smiled, resting her head against his shoulder as they rode downwards in companionable silence.

The short walk to Albie's was cool, and she bundled closer to him, trying to leech off some of his warmth as they walked along. "I don't know what I'll do without someone to walk me to my car in the evenings, especially with it getting so cold."

He chuckled a little as he opened the door for her, letting her step inside the cozy pub with a smile on her lips. "I believe I have an extra scarf that you may borrow, one that will keep you a sight warmer than that decorative bit of fluff you wear currently."

"I wear it because it goes with my coat," she retorted as she took his arm once more, heading over to where Serena and Sacha were already sitting, glasses of wine in their spots, waiting for them. "Lydia complimented me on it just the other day."

"Yes, well, Lydia is supposed to be your therapist, not your doctor."

She shrugged as she took a seat, allowing Henrik to push it in before he took a seat next to her. "Serena, settle a bit of a debate between us. Henrik was making light of the fact that I wear my scarf for fashion rather than function. Which is more important? How it looks or how it feels?"

"Well, how it looks, of course. As long as you have a warm body to snuggle up next to while you're wearing it. Has Henrik offered to be that warm body?" she teased, and Roxanna felt a deep flush spread across her face as she picked up her wine glass and took a few sips, trying to think of a witty comeback. "Really? Both of you are tongue tied? Isn't that adorable, Sacha!"

"It really is, Serena. They're even wearing matching rosy cheeks." Roxanna shot him a quick, dark, look and Sacha had the audacity to wink at her before taking a drink. "I'm just surprised that the Holby rumour mill hasn't caught wind of this yet."

"There's nothing to gossip about, Mister Levy. Roxanna and I are merely friends at this moment. When, and if, it becomes something a little more serious, the appropriate people will become aware of it. Until then, I'm certain that Roxanna feels the same way that I do, and would like to keep things private."

A part of her heart stung at his words, but then he slipped his hand off the table and reached over to cover her knee with it, squeezing softly. A sigh broke from her lips as she nodded, giving Henrik a tender smile before looking up at her friends. Sacha was grinning from ear to ear, and she just knew that he would be hard pressed to keep their secret if asked about the state of things between them. Serena, however, looked like the proverbial cat who ate the canary as she swirled her wine around in its glass. "I am happy to say that for the first time in months I feel like I'm not drowning beneath the weight of guilt and sorrow. I still have a number of bad days, but knowing that I have the support of wonderful friends such as yourselves has truly made all the difference in my life."

She blinked rapidly to try and stem the flow of happy tears, noticing Serena do the same. Sacha, it seemed, wasn't bothered by showing his emotions, since a few tears tracked down his cheeks as he stood and came around to her side, carefully hooking his arms around her in a warm embrace. "That's the best news I've heard all day, Roxanna. I am so proud that you've started climbing your way out of that great pit called depression."

Roxanna sniffled a little as she nodded. "It is a hard battle," she finally whispered as she turned her face a little to rest her cheek against his chest. Waggling her fingers on her free hand, she relaxed a little as Henrik took hold of it, threading their fingers together as Sacha finally released her, though not before pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. "All right, before another one of you tries to make me cry harder, I want to hear happy news. I have heard through the hospital grapevine that Jason and Greta are getting married?"

Serena rolled her eyes a little as she nodded. "I am so happy for them, but it is a production to get anything done for it. I won't pretend that I understand all that goes into Jason's Asperger's, because I don't. But I know that the exacting attention to detail is starting to get to me. I know that I should have more patience, but I am finding it difficult. So, I offer to take care of Gwen for them, since that will keep both of us occupied, and hope that they understand."

Roxanna nodded as she leaned against Henrik a little, feeling more comfortable with the casual intimacy, knowing that their friends would not speak out of turn about it. "I'm certain that they will. And do you think that Bernie will come home for the wedding? It would be nice to finally meet her, after hearing so much about her. We were ships passing in the night when she was here for Gwen's birth."

"I think that she is, it all depends on if she can arrange cover or not. It's harder around the holidays, you know."

"Yes, that I do," she replied, feeling Henrik tighten his hold on her knee, filling her body with a warmth stronger than the fire burning near them. And she was content to have this evening to spend with old friends, losing sight of the outside world as they talked.


	7. An Open Book To Read

"Happy New Year, darling," Roxanna murmured as she looked up into Henrik's face. They were currently holed up in a corner of Serena's house, champagne flutes in their hands. In the background, Roxanna could hear their friends blowing noisemakers and cheering, and whilst she would love to be a part of that, being here, with him, meant more to her than being with them at that moment.

"Happy New Year," he replied, lowering his head to give her a soft kiss. She relished the feel of his lips against hers, slipping her free arm around his neck and holding him close to let the embrace linger on. This was her first New Year without David, she realized with a start, and she pulled away from Henrik to look into his eyes once more, seeing the same sad look there. "We made it."

"We did. There was a time when I wondered if I would, but then I had you and Lydia to talk some sense into me." She wanted to say more, but Sacha came up to them with a wide grin on his lips. "Hi, Sacha. Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year, you two. I was sent to bring you back to the party, since Serena has plans for tonight, given that Bernie is here to enjoy everything as well." Roxanna chuckled a little when she saw the quick look of irritation pass over Henrik's features before he nodded. "Excellent, well, follow me, then."

Henrik nodded as they followed after him, his arm low on her waist, which allowed his thumb to brush against her hipbone in a most pleasant manner as they joined the others. She could tell that he was okay with this because she was okay with it, and she sighed a little as moved a little closer to him. When they entered the living room, Roxanna looked around and saw that the only places left for them was the small settee that faced the sofa where Serena and Bernie were seated, flanked by Jason and Greta.

"I believe we've been set up, Henrik," she whispered as they went over and took a seat.

"I believe you're right, Roxanna," he said, his lips brushing against her ear, causing shiver to run up and down her spine as she wriggled around in her seat a little, watching the pleased smirk grow on Serena's lips at the gesture. "All right, what games are we going to play?" he asked a little louder. Though his voice was placid, Roxanna could tell that this was definitely not his preferred way to pass time, and she reached out for his hand, grabbing hold of it tightly as they waited for Serena to speak next.

"I was thinking that we could play charades. And while I really think that I should split you and Roxanna up onto different teams, that would mean I'd have to do the same for myself and Bernie, and well, I'm not that selfless. Who else would you like on your team, Henrik?"

Roxanna knew before he opened his mouth that he'd pick Sacha, and she grinned up at the other man as he ambled over to them with his chair, setting it next to her. "Well, this should interesting," he said as he took a seat.

"Hopefully," she replied as she watched Bernie choose Jason. "You know, we could totally spoil things by claiming Greta for our team," she said as she looked up at Henrik, watching him try to swallow his grin as he shook his head. "Why not?"

"We wouldn't hear the end of it at work, and you know it. I swear, you're just in the mood to cause trouble tonight."

"Maybe I am," she said lowly, feeling Serena's eyes on her. "Oh, is it my turn to choose a teammate?" Serena nodded, and she smirked as she said, "I choose Greta, then."

Serena narrowed her eyes and she shrugged a little, watching the young woman frown a little as she made her way over to their side of the room and plopped down on the floor at Roxanna's feet. "If Guinevere starts fussing, then I shall have to take care of her," she said, sniffing a bit as she gave Roxanna a look that rivaled any she had seen Serena throw at her F1s.

"That's fine. I just thought it would be nice to get to know some of the newer faces here."

"Really, Roxanna, I sometimes wonder about you," Henrik said wryly, and she shrugged a little before snuggling closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder as the rest of the teams took shape. As they played, Roxanna realized how much this did help her see who Henrik truly was, since his deeply competitive side started to come out about halfway through the game. Try as she might, though, Roxanna felt herself flagging as her energy started to wane. First, she pulled her legs up onto the settee, then her head came to rest on Henrik's chest as her eyes closed heavily. Finally, she felt his fingers drag through her hair as they guessed what Sacha was acting out until she had finally fallen asleep to the happy sounds around her.

The next thing she knew, Henrik was shaking her shoulder lightly, waking her up a little. "Yeah?" she said blearily before snuggling close to him once more.

"There is no way you're driving home when you're this tired. Serena's offered to put us up in her guest room, if you don't mind sharing a bed for the evening."

"That's fine," she murmured through a yawn, allowing him to help her to her feet. Blindly, they made their way through the house and up the stairs, and then he was guiding her into a room on the left. She trudged over to the bed and pulled back the covers, stretching out on the mattress before turning on her side and watching him tug off his sweater before folding it and setting it on the dresser. "Come to bed, Henrik."

"I'll be right there," he replied as he stepped out of his shoes. She yawned and nodded, watching him come towards her before taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, once more stroking her hair as he smiled down at her. "This was a hard holiday season."

"For me, too. Lydia said that would be the case, since it's our first without our loved ones. But I don't want to start the new year out sadly. I want to hold onto the happiness I had while kissing you." A part of Roxanna knew that the night was loosening her tongue a little, but she couldn't stop her words tumbling from her lips. "I might not be ready to for anything more than sweet stolen kisses, but I'm slowly getting to a point where I can acknowledge there's something more here."

He nodded as he laid down, resting his head on his hands as he looked at her. "I won't push you to go any faster than you're ready to go, Roxanna. You're too dear to me for that to happen." She smiled as she drew in a deep breath, scooting closer to him as he pulled the covers up around their chests.

"And that is why I love you," she whispered as she rested her forehead against his, feeling his breath wash across her face. "Because you are my gallant friend, and someday more." Roxanna closed her eyes as she welcomed him kissing her once more. In that moment, she felt something in her heart fundamentally shift, as if she could feel another weight fall off her to sink in the water of her sorrow, allowing her to swim a little more freely, and she knew that it was a direct result of Henrik's persistent love and care that that had happened. "I love you, Henrik."

"And I love you, Roxanna," he replied as he rested his arm around her waist, his hand spreading out in the middle of her back. She let out a long breath as she moved her head so that she could hook her chin over his shoulder, wanting to be as close to him as possible, even with their clothes on. "You have brought a light back to my life that I am most grateful for, after everything that happened with Fredrik. I'm going to tell you something, something I haven't even told my therapist yet, but I feel you deserve to hear this first. I miss my grandson terribly, and knowing that I'll never be able to see him again hurts so badly."

"Oh, Henrik," she breathed out as she rubbed her chin against his shoulder, trying to comfort him as best she could. "I am so sorry that I can't fix that for you, but you have my heart, for all it's worth."

He nodded a little as he bent his head, pressing his lips to the ball of her shoulder before letting out a small sound of discontent. "I didn't mean to turn maudlin once more, I just wanted to share this with you before I lost the courage to speak the words to life."

"I completely understand, darling." Her eyes fluttered closed as she felt exhaustion once more slipped over her body, feeling so warm and loved as she yawned and curled her hand around his upper arm, allowing herself to fall back into the waiting arms of sleep, knowing that she was home in Henrik's arms.


	8. It's Not Enough To Be In Love

It had been a long day, and Roxanna had heard through the hospital grapevine that Henrik had lost a patient on the operating table. It was always a risk that came with surgery, but when Sacha had shown her the details of the young man who had died, she understood that it would be a little harder for him to cope than if it had been anyone else who had passed. Sighing a little, she tried to gather herself as she opened the door to their office, plastering on a smile as she entered.

The lights were off, and she found him standing near the window, gazing out at something. As she looked closer, she noticed that his shoulders were shaking as silent sobs slipped from his lungs. Drawing in a deep breath through her nose, Roxanna quietly walked over to him, touching his shoulder lightly to let him know that she was there. Wordlessly, he turned to her, and she took in his red rimmed eyes which looked so large behind his glasses, the way his nostrils flared as he tried to draw in deep enough breaths to control his sobs, and the way his lips quivered even as he pressed them together in a valiant effort to appear stronger than he was. "Oh, darling, I heard," she whispered as she slipped off his glasses, setting them on the sill of the window as she tugged his handkerchief out of her pocket and dabbed at his eyes. "I'm here now."

He gave a short, jerky, nod before stepping close to her, his eyes downcast. "I did everything I could, but my best wasn't good enough."

"We're not God, Henrik. Sometimes our human best isn't good enough." Pushing the handkerchief back into her pocket, she then reached up and cupped his face in her hands as she ran her thumbs along his cheekbones, trying to get him to look into her eyes. Instead, he kept his gaze averted, and her heart broke a little for him as she made a soft sound of comfort in her throat. "Oh, Henrik," she finally said as she listened to his crying grow in sound and strength. Knowing that he wouldn't reach out to her, she lowered her hands and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him closer to her body as she rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat there.

"He looked so much like Fredrik," he said quietly, and Roxanna nodded. "I felt like I had let my son down once again, by losing him, but there was nothing I could do."

"Henrik, hush, please don't blame yourself," she whispered in his ear before she pressed her lips to his cheek, tasting the salt there. As she pulled away to look at him, Roxanna was surprised to feel his hand cup her head and push her head gently against his neck, as if he didn't want to be seen by her in that moment. She started to cry then, and he embraced her tighter, their tears mingling as they stood there. "My love, do you want to come home with me? I'd hate for you to feel like people might walk in on you like this."

Henrik nodded before dropping a kiss to the top of her head and pulling away from her. His eyes were still so red and wet, and Roxanna grabbed the handkerchief and gently wiped his cheeks clear of tears once more. "I'm sorry that you have to see me like this."

"Don't be, Henrik. There's something I learned, dealing with David's illness, and it's that it is never enough to just be in love with someone. You have to work for the strong relationship that love initiates. And maybe that's what I have been shying away from, that hard work, because David left me so suddenly, and I wasn't certain that I wanted to do that work again." Their eyes locked, and she could read the sorrow there, as if his heart was breaking again. "But when I see you like this, being tender and open with me, I know that I might be ready to start taking on some of that work."

Before he could say another word, Roxanna leaned up and kissed him possessively, making her mark on him. A soft chuckle tumbled from her lips at that thought, and she knew that she would definitely be discussing this development with Lydia at their next appointment. "Work is funny?" he asked a bit breathlessly, and she shook her head. "What, then?"

"I just realized something about myself that is a little more than ironic. But I need to discuss it with Lydia before we talk about it, all right? I'm not trying to hold out on you, but…"

"I understand," he murmured as he tugged on a piece of her hair. The soft gesture caused her to smile a little wider before kissing his cheek quickly. He just gave her one of his long suffering looks before picking up his glasses and slipping them onto his face. "Do you want to pick up food on the way home, or should we cook something together?"

"I'd prefer if we cooked together. I like spending time with you, doing things." She blushed a little as he led them over to the coat hooks, wrapping his scarf around her neck before he wrapped another around his own. Roxanna breathed in the scent of his cologne as she shrugged into her coat. "I still think that this doesn't go with my coat, you know."

"Yes, but it's warm. And I know that you enjoy the scent of it." Roxanna blushed guiltily as she lifted her chin up and arched an eyebrow at him. "Am I telling a lie?"

"No," she said lowly, knowing he was right. The back and forth seemed to settle him a little, and she took hold of his hand as they made their way to the stairs. It was easier to avoid the eyes of their colleagues that way, and she knew that was precisely what he wanted. They feel into an easy, measured, gait and Roxanna found herself wondering when they had become so in tune with each other, even though it felt so comfortable to know that they were on even footing. "You know, you're free to use the guest room tonight, if we end up talking too late, or drinking too much. I'd rather have you safe than worry about you getting home."

"I will keep that in mind, sweetheart." She turned her head a little, looking up at him from the corner of her eye and seeing the small spot of colour that rose up on the cheek in her line of sight. It was so deliberate and delicate, and it filled her heart with overwhelming joy to know that these baby steps they were taking with their relationship were starting to head away from the shared sorrow of their past into a brighter future. "Do we need to stop for anything on the way home?" he asked lowly, breaking her from her reverie.

Slowly, she shook her head as she unlocked her car, allowing Henrik to open the door for her before he went around to the passenger side and adjusted the seat to make it more comfortable for him. "I was at the grocer's yesterday, and picked up some extra, somehow knowing that I'd have you over at some point soon."

He nodded as she started the vehicle and backed out of her spot. They were quiet as she drove, and Henrik fiddled with the radio until he had tuned into a classical music channel, the soft strains of Schubert filling the car, relaxing her, even as Henrik moved his hand like a conductor would, which made her smile. "I do so love this piece," he remarked lowly.

"It is lovely," she murmured as she turned onto her street, slowing a little so that they would be able to hear the entire piece before heading inside her home. Pulling into her garage, she turned off the car and settled back as they listened to the final strains of the Trout Quintet. "All right, let's head inside," she said as she opened the door and started for the house. He easily caught up to her, hooking his arm around her waist as they entered her house.

"What would you like me to do?" Henrik asked as she turned on the lights in the kitchen.

"Rummage through the fridge and find what you'd like to cook while I open a bottle of Cab Sav," she replied as she made her way over to the wine rack on her counter, choosing a decent vintage before grabbing her wine key and opening the bottle, letting it breathe as she grabbed two glasses and brought them over to the table. Glancing over at Henrik, she saw that he was already standing by the stove, turning on a few burners as he set some pans on them to warm up. "What are we having?" she asked as she went over to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist, standing up on her tiptoes to rest her chin on his shoulder.

"That's for me to know and you to try and figure out. Go, sit, and let me be useful to you. That's what I really need tonight, more than anything." Roxanna heard the words behind his words and nodded before kissing his cheek tenderly and heading back to the table, taking a seat there and watching as Henrik worked, steady and methodical, like he was in theatre.

"I would love to have moments like these for the rest of my life," she said beneath her breath as she poured herself a glass of wine, sipping at it as she kept her eyes on him, wondering if they could make every night like this one, where she could comfort him and he could take care of her. Maybe it was a pipe dream, but it was one that she hoped to never wake up from.


	9. What One's Life Is Worth

Roxanna stretched a little as she woke the next morning, finding a heavy weight around her stomach stopping her from sitting up fully. Looking to her right, she found Henrik there, still sleeping, his hair tousled a little. A light snore filled her senses as she leaned over and brushed his hair off his forehead before kissing it sweetly. It was only then that she noticed he was not wearing more than a vest, despite the slight chill in the room, and she shook her head a little as she grabbed hold of the duvet and pulled it up around their necks before snuggling in a little closer to him, burying her suddenly freezing nose into the crook of his neck.

Now that she was starting to get warmer again, it was easy to fall back asleep, and she sighed a little as Henrik tightened his grip on her waist as she gave into the magnetic pull of slumber. The next thing she knew, she was waking up to the feel of Henrik's lips pressing against her face in a series of tender kisses before he ended with her mouth. That was when she opened her eyes, giving him a small smile as she breathed in deeply through her nose and ran her foot up and down his leg. "Good morning, Henrik," she said, her voice creaky.

"More like good afternoon. We appear to have slept the morning through," he replied as he held out his arm so that she could see his watch. Raising her eyebrows a little, Roxanna shrugged as she flipped around to face the door, letting Henrik tug her backwards so that he was spooning her, his arm coming down to rest around her waist as his hand spread out on her stomach. "It's a good thing that we don't have to work today."

"So it is," she murmured as she sighed. Henrik rested his chin atop her head as he rubbed his hand up and down her stomach in an absent pattern. "I know that we should get out of bed, but this is too comfortable right now."

He chuckled a little, his hand sliding up a little higher than before, his thumb grazing the underside of her breast, and they both stilled. "Roxanna, where is this going?" he asked as she covered his hand with hers, keeping it close to her breasts.

"I hope that this is leading to a serious relationship, Henrik. I'm finally starting to grasp what my life is worth, and what your life is worth, and this love in my heart is starting to eclipse the sorrow that I felt with David's passing and John's betrayal. You've been so supportive, guiding me along the path to recovery and out of my great depression. Is, is that where you see this going?"

She heard the quiver in her voice, and hoped that Henrik wouldn't hear it as well. From the way his leg possessively curled around hers, and the way his hand pressed a little tighter to her breast, she knew that he had heard, and she let out a little sigh. "I've seen us in a relationship for a long time, as well you know. I just wanted to make certain that this is what you wanted, as well."

She nodded as she curled his hand around her breast, relishing the feel of his long fingers cupping the heavy weight and the way his thumb absently flicked across her nipple. "This is what I want. I want to feel once more."

"I think that we should, perhaps, take things a little slower than this," he said as he dragged his hand back down to her torso. "Whilst I know that you can feel how much I would love to continue this right now, I don't think turning to the more carnal side of things is wise before we actually have our first date."

There was a wisdom to his words, and she nodded a little as let her head loll back against his shoulder, wanting to feel as close to him as possible, even with the barrier of their clothes. "So, when can we have our first date?"

"I was thinking that we could go to the theatre next weekend? Sacha has been raving about this new production, and I managed to arrange tickets for us. That is, if you want to go with me? I can always take Sacha along."

She swatted at his hand before threading their fingers together and squeezing lightly. "I rather think you know what my answer will be. I'm assuming the tickets are for Saturday evening, since we have Sunday off on the rota?"

"You know me too well," he replied as nuzzled his nose in her hair. "I can't believe we stayed up so late talking last night. I'm not one to sleep in like this."

"Neither am I, but we also cried a lot together, and that tends to exhaust me for some reason. And if I'm honest, this was the first time in years that I've slept so well. There was always that sense of unease and worry that gnawed at my brain as David began to decline, and then, after the shooting, the worry mutated and shifted into a near obsession to be perfect and heal Oliver and make great breakthroughs with John. I should have seen that I was depressed, you know. But I never saw that in Sacha, so how would I have ever been able to see it in myself?"

She couldn't bear not looking at him any longer, so she wiggled her hips a little to get him to move his hand before she turned to face him once more. "We're often oblivious to the things that we should see because we're so good at wearing masks to cover up our flaws." Henrik scooted down on the mattress a little so that he could rest his forehead against hers. "Hiding becomes easy when we've done it for so long."

"Truer words, Henrik," she said lowly as she let her eyes flutter closed, finding it hard to focus on his eyes with them so close to her face. Her stomach growled loudly, causing him to chuckle, and she shook her head. "Just when I was getting comfortable in your arms again, my stomach interrupts us. If you want to jump in the shower, I'll head down and order us something to eat."

"All right," he said before giving her a quick kiss. She smiled against his lips before receiving another of his sweet kisses. A tender sigh slipped from her lips before she pushed away from him, knowing that one of them needed to get moving, otherwise they would wile away the day in bed, since it was proving quite easy to just rest there, looking at him.

Roxanna shivered fiercely when she climbed out of bed, the cool air licking at her skin as she quickly padded over to her closet and pulled out a fuzzy dressing gown to wear as she went downstairs. "You'll smell like me, though, since we haven't gotten you any bath products to use here, yet."

"I think that I can live with that for a day." She could hear the mirth in Henrik's voice, and a wider smile split her lips as she sashayed downstairs. _This is what one's life was worth_ , she thought as she entered the kitchen and pulled out the takeaway menus, trying to decide what to order. _Being with the people you loved and making them laugh and feel that love returned to you._

Upstairs, she could just make out the sounds of running water and then the low sound of Henrik singing in the shower. Though she couldn't make out any words, his resonant voice carried throughout the whole house, and Roxanna took a deep breath as she took a seat at the table, flipping through the menus as she tried to settle on something to eat. Finally, she just closed her eyes and chose one at random, letting out a little noise of relief when she saw that she had picked Chinese food. Grabbing her phone off the counter, she quickly dialed the restaurant and placed their order, hoping that she had gotten something Henrik liked.

While she waited for him to join her, Roxanna cleaned up the bits from last night that had not been finished before they went to bed, starting the dish washer before traipsing over to the refrigerator and taking out a pitcher of water, filling a large glass before sitting at the table and sipping at it. Hearing feet pad on the floor, she turned her head to see Henrik approaching her. "No tea?" he asked, and she shrugged a little. "I'll make some for us, then."

"That would be lovely," she murmured, watching to him putter around her kitchen, his shirt buttoned, but not tucked into his trousers. It gave him a more carefree look, and that in turn relaxed her more, a thoroughly domestic sensation sweeping over her as she brought her hand up to her shoulder, resting her cheek on it as she settled into waiting for their day to start.


	10. The Only Song I Need

Roxanna stretched in her bed, feeling a little disappointed that Henrik was not next to her. A part of her had wanted to just jump into being together at all times, but she knew that was a little excessive. Still, the optimism of a new relationship was starting to flood her senses with a sense of hope, driving out the lingering sadness. She knew that she had also been putting in some hard work on herself, with Lydia's help, and that also made all the difference. Throwing caution to the wind, she grabbed her phone and took a quick selfie of her morning face, sending it to Henrik along with a short text. _Good morning, darling! I'll miss not seeing you at the hospital today. Love you!_

Putting the phone back on the charger, she threw back the covers and stood up, cracking her back before making her way over to the bathroom, stripping off her pyjamas before stepping into the shower and turning on the water. It didn't take long to get it to the right temperature, and then she was standing beneath the stream, allowing it to wet her hair and body. A song quickly came to her lips, and she twitched her hips as she washed herself, still singing. Lydia would be glad that she was feeling so happy and carefree, she knew, and with the progress she had made in her life since returning home from Chicago.

Still smiling and singing, Roxanna rinsed off the last of her body wash before turning off the water and reaching out for a towel, wrapping it around her body before padding over to the mirror above her sink. It had been a while since she had paused to really take stock of her reflection, and as she studied herself, she noticed that some of the sorrow had left her eyes, and she knew that was partially due to the care and affection Henrik had been showing her, once they had gotten on the same page.

It didn't take long for her to get ready, and then she was grabbing an apple on her way out the door, knowing that that would be the easiest thing to eat on her drive to work. She turned the radio up before pulling out onto the street, a pleased gasp coming to her lips as she recognized one of her favourite songs playing. It was so easy to start singing along as she drove, and one song blended into another as she went along, singing and thinking of Henrik. It wasn't until she was in line at Pulses that she thought to check her phone once more, and a secretive smile spread across her face when she saw a reply from Henrik on her screen. _It always amazes me that you can look so beautiful in the morning, darling. Enjoy your day at work, and try not to miss me too much. H_

He had also included a picture, and Roxanna couldn't stop a little giggle when she saw his tousled hair and the sleepy smile on his lips. "You're in a good mood today, Roxanna."

She jumped a little, pressing the phone to her chest as she turned to look at Sacha. He had an easy smile on his lips, and Roxanna nodded a little before slipping her phone into her pocket. "I am in a wonderful mood. I know there will be bad days to go with the good, but right now, I am happy."

Sacha took a deep breath before he nodded, and somehow, she knew that he wanted to hug her, so she stepped into his space a little more, allowing him to wrap his arms around her in a tight, warm, embrace. Though they were the same age, he felt like a father figure to her, and she relaxed against him as he rubbed her back. "I am so glad to hear that, Roxanna. I know that it there will be rough days ahead, there always are, but to hear that you're doing well today is a good thing."

She nodded as she drew in a deep breath. "It helps to be surrounded by great friends, too." Pulling away from him, she smiled up into his face as they moved forward in line. "Nine months ago, I would have told you that I would never reach this point in my life. My grief over losing David was so great, and as it is, it's still there, just muted today. I have Henrik, and you, and Serena. I'm really blessed."

"I would say that Henrik is probably better for you than us, Roxanna. He's known you the longest, after all." Sacha gave her a quick wink, and she felt a blush darken her face as she looked away from him to decide what she wanted to get that morning. "Things are going that well between you, then?"

"Am I that obvious?" she asked as she settled on getting a latte.

"Actually, he is. He's still himself, but there's a lightness to his step that tells me he's happier than he's been in ages. I know that you both are such private people, even to your friends, but there are these glimpses I catch of the love that you two share. It would almost be treacly sweet, were it not for your more dignified personalities."

She nodded a little before placing her order, waiting for Sacha to rattle off what he wanted before paying for them both. "There is a certain sort of softness to the air between us, yes. And I suppose that I can share this with you, since you've been such a good friend to me these past few months, but, well, he's the only song that I need."  
They accepted the cups of coffee from the barista's hands before making their way over to the lifts. "I felt like that with Essie, but somehow, we were never singing our song at the same time. The one that you're singing? I have the feeling that Henrik is on the same exact beat."

"I certainly hope so," she murmured as the door opened, and they got on. Lofty joined them just as the doors started to close, and she gave him a small smile. "Running late this morning?" she asked as she pressed the number for their floor.

"A little. Dom and I got into it again, and I just lost track of time as I tried to cool off." He shivered a little as he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. "I just love him too much to give up on him, but it hurts a little too much at times."

Sacha nodded as he reached out and patted Lofty's shoulder. "Sometimes you have to really talk about if you're on the same page or not. Mixed signals and desires can lead to a breakdown in communication that can be catastrophic to a relationship."

Somehow, Roxanna knew that he was talking about Essie, and she stepped closer to them both in an effort to show comradery. "He's right, you know. I mean, look at me, I fled to Chicago because of a breakdown in communication, and was too morose for you to talk to, as well. We should all strive to be open and honest with the ones we love."

Lofty gave her a hangdog look before nodding in agreement. "I suppose that you're right, Ms MacMillan. But I think we should talk about something a little happier today than my misery. How are things going with you and Mister Hanssen? Dom swears that he heard him humming a love song beneath his breath the other day in theatre."

"Really?" she asked, a pleased smile spreading across her lips. "I suppose that I'm not the only one with a song on my lips these days, then. The most I can tell you is that I am happy, and Henrik is happy, and while we both realise that could change in a moment, we're holding on to every precious moment that we have."

Hot tears prickled at her eyes, and Sacha reached out to rub her shoulder gently as she took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her suddenly heaving heart. "I think that might just be the most beautiful thing I've heard all week, Roxanna. Love suits you so well."

"I never said anything about love, Sacha," she said archly, knowing that she was being thoroughly transparent to the both of them, given the way they each swallowed a chuckle. "And there -are some of us who don't want to jinx a good thing, not when we're both coming out of something so horrific as John's betrayal and Fredrik's rampage. When we're ready, we'll publicly use that four letter word, but until that time, please, just recognize that we're both a little delicate?"

Sacha nodded as his arm came to rest around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. "I think that we can all abide by that, Roxanna. And if someone can't, well, I will be certain to make them aware of the thin ice they tread," he said as he squeezed her gently to him. "And maybe your good fortune will rub off on us all. I know that I, at least, could do with some joy in my life."

"I'll keep you in my prayers, then," she whispered, feeling him nod. "Let me guess, you do the same for us?"

"Guilty." She looked up into his face and winked at him, watching him blush a little before he winked back. There was something so precious about that moment, and she found herself so glad for these friendships she had found here at Holby.


	11. Holding Me Held Off the Night

"I am so glad that we were able to get tickets to hear Sarah Connolly," Roxanna breathed out as Henrik led them into his home. The concert had gone on a little later than she had thought it would, and she knew that she would be dragging in the morning, but hearing that woman perform was well worth all the yawns that she knew would come during the first hour of her work day. "When I told you about it, I thought that it would be to late to get any sort of ticket, let alone as good of ones as you got."

"I have an in with the house manager, and used it, since you sounded so eager to hear her. I must admit, she does have a lovely voice live."

"I know! It's so much fuller than when you hear her on a recording. Oh, to be able to listen to her like that all the time!"

Henrik chuckled a little as he closed the door and locked it. She had already dropped off a small overnight bag, and she found herself looking forward being able to slip out of her dress and into the silk negligee and robe that she had packed. Instead, Henrik placed his hand on the small of her back and led her into the living room, a warm silence falling between them as they went. It wasn't until she was seated on the sofa that he spoke once more. "Would you like anything to drink? I know that more wine might not be optimal, since we both have an early start tomorrow."

"I think that I'm fine, Henrik." He nodded and sat down next to her. Roxanna leaned against his chest, welcoming his arm around her as she slipped her shoes off and then pulled her legs up onto the sofa as she made herself more comfortable. "We need to do this more often."

"Would that we had the time to do this more often. I'm starting to see why we tend to woo people in the hospital, since that seems to double the time we spend together. But I think that we can try to go out on a few more lunch dates, when we have concurrent shifts. I know this great spot up on the roof of the building, when the weather gets warmer."

"I might have to take you up on that, Henrik," she murmured as she let out a small yawn. "I am so tired, but I don't want to lose this happy moment. She, she sang one of the songs that David loved so much, and I found it so hard to focus on how much I was enjoying the concert. Having you next to me, though, holding my hand, helped to stave off the worst of the demons."

"I wondered if that was what was bothering you," he murmured before dropping a tender kiss to the top of her head. "I sometimes forget that music can have sad memories attached to it as well as pleasant ones."

She nodded and brought her hand up to his chest, running it up and down as she gathered her thoughts. "Though I think that I adore her take on that song, so I have a new memory to help take the edge off the pain of things."

"That's a good way to look at things," Henrik murmured as he tapped out a soft rhythm on her arm. "I know, we should probably get ready for bed, but I just want to hold you in my arms for a while longer."

"We could do that in bed, you know. Unless you want me to stay in the guest room?"

Roxanna pursed her lips together as she awaited his answer, still feeling somewhat anxious about his answer, even though she was confident in his love for her. "If I have the immense pleasure of you spending the night, then I want you in my bed."

She let out a nervous laugh as she nodded before standing up from the sofa and looking down at him. "Well, then, shall we head up that way?" Henrik nodded, and she took hold of his hand as he stood as well, threading their fingers together as they went over to the stairs and made their way to his bedroom. Once they were near the bed, she paused and looked up into his eyes. "I have a pretty nightgown to wear, is that ridiculous?"

"Not at all, I actually wouldn't expect any less of you." Roxanna blushed a little as she rested her cheek on her shoulder. "Go, I'll be right here when you get back." Nodding, she grabbed her bag off the bed and tried to calmly walk over to the door to the master bathroom.

Shutting the door, Roxanna took a deep breath as she sat on the toilet and pulled out her makeup kit from the bag, setting it on the countertop before grabbing her shower kit and setting that on the edge of the bath. The last thing she did before getting undressed was take out her negligee and robe, hanging them on the free hook next to Henrik's own dressing gown. Smiling, Roxanna ran her fingers up and down the plush material before hurriedly unzipping her dress and tugging it off her body, hanging it on the third hook before unhooking her bra, tossing it in her bag before slipping her underwear off her hips and putting them in the hamper.

It didn't take long for her to shower, and then she was gazing in the mirror and removing the last of her makeup before moisturizing her face and giving herself a less than confident smile. She knew that Henrik loved her for her, but that still didn't mean that she was free from comparing herself to other women. "You're being a numpty, Rox," she muttered as she crossed over to the door and slipped the negligee over her head, letting it fall to her ankles as she shrugged into the robe. "He loves you, and that's all that matters."

Straightening her shoulders, Roxanna drew in a small breath before opening the door and stepping back into the bedroom and looking around for Henrik. He was standing near the closet, clearly choosing his outfit for the next day, clad only in a pair of dark blue pyjama pants. Smiling, she made her way to his side and slipped her arms around his waist as she pressed her cheek to his back. "I'm wearing purple tomorrow," she murmured, her smile growing when she noticed his hand immediately close around a hanger that contained a light purple shirt that had a dark purple tie already hanging with it.

"You should leave your shower kit here, Roxanna. I mean, you're spending enough time here, it makes sense that you should have that available, rather than carrying it back and forth." Her heart thrilled a little at those words, since it was the first indication he'd given that he was welcoming her into his space. "Darling?"

"Okay. I'm sorry, you just surprised me, that's all. This is a welcome change to our relationship," she finally said as he turned in her arms, closing his arms low around her hips as he smiled down at her. "This is what I've been waiting for, Henrik. These small steps." She curved one arm around his neck as she lifted herself up onto her tiptoes and kissed him gently.

He pressed a few more kisses to her lips as he guided her over to the bed and pushed the robe from her shoulders, catching it before it hit the floor. "And the small steps will lead to something larger in the future." He started to fold up her robe as he went around to his side of the bed, and she smiled as she flipped the overhead light off before pulling the covers back and staring at her partner. "Roxanna?"

"I want something different tonight, Henrik. Do you mind sleeping together naked? I don't want to do anything other than sleep, because I am quite tired, but I want to take another, small, step with you tonight." She felt a little ridiculous, having gone to all the effort to look pretty for him in a new negligee, but she really wanted to do this, all of a sudden. It wasn't until he was hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his pyjama pants that she let out the breath she had been holding. Nodding a little, she brushed the thin straps off her shoulders and let the silky material pool at her feet, standing tall, her chin slightly tilted upwards as she allowed him to gaze at her.

"You are beautiful," he said lowly, and she nodded, still feeling a little self-conscious. She was fifty two, and things had shifted on her body, thanks to aging and the toll it took on a person. Still, as she looked into his face, all she could see on his features was love and affection, with a small amount of lust lurking in the corners. A radiant smile spread across her face, and then she was raking her eyes up and down his body, blushing a little when she noticed that he was starting to get hard. "Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Henrik, it's a natural reaction for the one you love." She crawled into the bed, resting on her side so that she could still watch him. He joined her a few moments later, and Roxanna tangled their legs together as he closed his arms around her torso. They fit together so well, and she sighed a little as she rested her forehead against his. "You know, being held like this, well, it keeps the night at bay. You keep the night at bay. And I love you for that."

"I love you, too," he said quietly before pressing his lips against hers in a sweet kiss. "Now go to sleep, you look exhausted. We can talk more while we're getting ready tomorrow." She nodded and yawned, letting her head come to rest on the very edge of her pillow, never taking her eyes off him until she had fallen asleep.


	12. I Hold You Like an Anchor

Since that first night they had spent together nude, that seemed to become their default mode whenever they stayed over at each other's homes. And now, three weeks later, it was spring and she was feeling ready to take things to the next logical step. Waking up before he did, Roxanna brushed her fingers through his hair, watching his features shift as he slowly stretched and came to wakefulness. "Good morning, Roxanna," he said, his voice low and gravelly with sleep still.

"Good morning, Henrik," she replied before leaning in and kissing him. "So, we have the whole day in front of us, and since we got in too late to do anything other than shower and fall asleep, I was thinking."

"Yes?"

She kissed him again as she ran her hand down his side, letting it rest on his hip as she pulled back and just stared into his eyes. Feeling a tad bit shy, she shrugged, hoping that he would attune himself to her thoughts. "Well, there's been something a long time in coming, isn't there?"

"Oh, you mean spending the morning in bed, doing nothing more than talk?" he replied, a slight twinkle in his eyes as he nudged her over onto her back, reclining on his elbow as he smirked at her.

"I was hoping that your mouth would be doing something other than talking, if we're being honest here," Roxanna said lowly as she arched her back a little. "But if all you really want to do is talk, I suppose that I could be okay with that."

Henrik smiled a little wider as he shook his head. "I've been waiting for this invitation for weeks, you know. I didn't want to push things faster than you wanted them to go," he murmured as he reached out with his free hand and stroked her cheek. "Are you ready to take this next step?"

"Yes, Henrik." Roxanna raised herself up on her elbows and puckered her lips in clear invitation for a kiss, and he obliged her, straddling her body as he deepened the kiss. There was something so beautiful about the kiss, and she sighed as she curled her arms around his neck, pulling him down with her onto the mattress as he continued to rain kisses on her face, his hands roaming up and down her body. "Please," she whimpered as she reached for his hand and brought it to her breast, encouraging him to touch her where she wanted. He nodded and dragged his lips down the column of her neck and over the top of her chest before nipping at the rise of one of her breasts, causing her to gasp and arch against him, wanting him closer as he fitted a hand between her legs, gently parting them before running his fingers over her labia, his thumb nudging against her clit.

A soft groan escaped her lips as she arched her hips upwards, trying to get in closer contact with him. This was the culmination of everything she had been waiting for, and it felt so good to have him mapping her body, learning her shape, even as his mouth closed around one of her nipples, sucking lightly before running his tongue along it, tightening it into an even harder bud before pulling his head away and blowing on it softly. That sensation drove her wild, and Roxanna dug her fingers into Henrik's hair, needing to touch him, to guide him, to somehow make their bodies one. "I have you, Roxanna," he whispered against her chest as he slid inside her, filling her completely.

Gasping, Roxanna wrapped one long leg around his hips, drawing him in even deeper. He completed her in a way that she hadn't felt for so long. Unable to stop herself, Roxanna began to cry a little, filled with an overwhelming wave of love for her partner. "I'll keep holding you like an anchor, darling," she breathed out as he began to thrust in and out of her, setting a lazy pace for them as they learned how their bodies worked in tandem. This slow pace allowed her to focus on his face and the way his features changed and contorted with the pleasure that was clearly filling him.

She could feel when things shifted into a different gear, as it all felt suddenly more frantic to her, and her hands scrabbled at his back, trying not to tear his skin with her nails as she moved with him, trying to reach the precipice of pleasure. "I love you, Roxanna," he gasped out as his hips started to move at a faster pace, clearly nearing his orgasm. She moaned as he fitted a hand between their bodies, teasing between her slick folds to find her clit, helping to speed along her orgasm. He was perfect in his timing, as they both fell over into the throes of absolute pleasure within moments of each other.

She flopped back onto the mattress as his weight came down on her, cocooning her in a warmth that was absolutely heavenly. "I love you, too, Henrik. So much," she panted out as she ran her hands up and down his back, pressing her lips to every bit of skin that she could reach as she tried to get control of her breathing once more. "I, I didn't expect this to be so perfect, the first time. I thought we'd be a little more awkward, honestly."

"I thought so, too. But maybe some things are just meant to be perfect from the beginning." He gently turned them onto their sides, and she rested her head on her pillow as she watched him, smiling widely. "There's been such lightness about us both lately. I didn't want to rock the boat, to perhaps knock things off course, but this morning, well…"

"It feels like we've started sailing towards our happy ending," she finished for him, letting her hand come to rest on his hip. "Did you ever read the Chronicles of Narnia?"

"I can't say that I have. "

"Oh, well, I grew up on them, _The Last Battle_ still makes me weep, but there's this scene towards the end of _Voyage of the Dawn Treader_ , where they're sailing towards the Eastern Shore, and the water changes from salty to sweet and everything becomes unimaginably more beautiful. After a long struggle, the children find a bittersweet peace, since Edmund and Lucy will never get to go back to Narnia. I feel sort of like that? Like we're sailing out of the salty bitterness of what happened to us last year and into the sweetness of something new, something we should have had since Boston."

Again, tears made her vision go fuzzy, and then Henrik was cupping her head with one of his large hands, and she could just make out the fact that he was tearing up, too. "Things might have turned out very differently for all of us had we made different choices back then. I listened to John, when he told me that you wouldn't understand what I tried to do. I tried to kill myself, Roxanna, because the darkness in my brain couldn't see any other way out. I should have trusted you with that truth, but I was younger then, and I didn't know just how much you would trust me now."

"We were such numpties, Henrik," she whispered as she brushed her lips against his. "But I don't think that I would have traded my time with David for all the world. I needed the focus he provided me in my research, though maybe we could have staved off some of the sorrow we faced alone by being together. I guess we'll never know."

He shook his head with a sad smile on his lips. "That is true, Roxanna. So I suppose that we need to hold on to today and move forward together." He kissed her gently and then ran his hand down her back until it rested on her bum, squeezing a bit. Roxanna let out a small giggle as she scooted closer to him, breathing in the scent of them on his skin. "I don't know if I'll be able to keep my hands off you, now that we've taken this step. There is something thoroughly addicting about the feel of you."

"I feel the same way, honestly. I wonder if this is what everyone new in love feels like? I'm trying to remember what it was like when David and I were in the first blushes of love, but it didn't feel like this, from what my memory tells me." She pressed her forehead against his as she started to drag her toes up and down his shin, unable to get enough of the feel of him. "Lend me your shirt? I am famished, but don't really feel like getting dressed at the moment, since we might want to return to bed once we've eaten, and I really don't want to have a lot to wear when we inevitably want to get naked again."

Henrik tilted his head a little as he slipped off the bed and padded over to the trunk at the end of his bed, pulling on his boxers before tossing her the white button up. She shrugged into it as she watched him pull on a pair of trousers, and Roxanna couldn't help but smile as she did up the buttons before padding over to him and wrapping her arms around his waist, her cheek coming to rest on his back as they started to breathe in tandem. "If only every moment could be like this," he murmured, so low that she almost missed it, and she nodded, feeling the same way.


End file.
